I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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