somebody snuck up and got me drunk
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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