the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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