just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
