My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
