Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
