If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
