Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
