Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
