mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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