Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
