i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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