You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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