you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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