Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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