I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
