Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
