she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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