At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
