His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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