I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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