My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
