is your mom at the bar?
I look better un-naked...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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