Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
