My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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