hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
