hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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