my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
