mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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