It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
