He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
