I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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