planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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