I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
