You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
