I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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