I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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