theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
