you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
