Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
