today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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