she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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