Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
