Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
