The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i drank out of a bidet.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
