Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
