Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
