you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
