His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
