i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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