Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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