I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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