I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
