I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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