one two three fourrrrnication!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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