I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
