Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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