Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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